A Moment of Clarity

I grew up in a home where nobody used drugs or drank. My parents were great. They took me to church and tried to teach me about God's love.

When I was in junior high, my asthma got really bad, and the doctor prescribed medicine to control it. The medicine gave me a lot of energy and made me feel happy and beautiful. I loved that stuff! A year later as a freshman, my boyfriend gave me some LSD. It was magic—tons of fun. A couple of months after that, I drank for the first time. That night I mixed five asthma pills (instead of the prescribed half a pill) with a bottle of wine. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor in the hall at home with my 4-year-old sister kicking me in the head asking, “Are you dead? Please don’t be dead!”

I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom throwing up, but I couldn’t wait to get drunk again. I was an addict from that first night I drank.

Within six months, I was smoking dope and shooting up all kinds of drugs: amphetamines, crank, crystal meth, morphine and anything else I could find. My drug of choice was anything I could put my hands on. I just wanted to change how I felt. Something happened to me at puberty. I was so unhappy, but these drugs made me feel a lot better.

When I was 16, my Dad found my stash of drugs. He was going to take them away from me. I couldn’t let that happen, so my best friend and I ran away to a city about 700 miles from home. We moved into a little hellhole of an apartment, and we used every drug we could find. My friend’s veins wore out, so the drugs settled under her skin instead of going into her bloodstream. She got gangrene in her arm, and one night she got delirious from the high fever. I stayed up to take care of her, but I wasn’t doing too well myself. I had been hallucinating from all the drugs I was taking. I saw three little guys about three feet tall who followed me around, and I saw a sixfoot creature with the head of goat, the body of a man, and the legs of a horse. It accused me of all kinds of terrible things, tormenting me day and night. These four creatures bothered me all that night that I was trying to take care of my friend. About five in the morning, she stopped breathing. I got on my knees and cried out, “God, this is the only friend I have in this world. Please don’t let her die! If you’ll help her, I’ll do anything you want.” At that moment, all the voices stopped, the creatures went away, and my hallucinations were gone. And my friend started breathing again. A few hours later, the doctor at the hospital told her, “I don’t see how you’re still alive.” But I knew.

I panhandled enough money to go home, and my Dad welcomed me with open arms. My father said, “I want you to know that your mother and I love you. Welcome home.” I stayed sober for about 6 months, but then I started smoking dope and drinking again. From 17 to 30, I struggled over and over again with my addiction. I just couldn’t get over it on my own. I tried church, exercise, marriage to a music minister, having babies . . . everything imaginable.

After I had my daughter, I got drunk at a Passover dinner. That pushed me over the edge, and I got drunk every day for the next eight years. At that point, I walked out on my husband and my two kids.

When my kids became teenagers, 16 and 13, they came back to live with me, and I started drinking and smoking with them. The sad thing is that I didn’t see anything wrong with it. My rational judgment was gone. For the next two years, the three of us spiraled down into drugs and drinking, bars and parties.

My oldest daughter got pregnant, and she got sober. She asked me to stop drinking or smoking dope around her baby when it was born, so I promised I’d stop. But six weeks after the baby was born, I was holding my grandbaby and drinking whiskey. I looked across the room at my single, jobless daughter, and I had a moment of clarity. I realized that I was ruining every person in my life, and I cried out for help. I called my doctor and told him about everything I was smoking and drinking. He put me in a rehab center to detox, but between getting out of detox on Friday and going to treatment on Monday, I stayed drunk and high. That Sunday afternoon as I was smoking my last joint, I pulled over to the side of the road and cried my eyes out. I felt completely empty and hopeless. I looked up and said, “God, if you’re not there, I’m screwed!”

I went to AA that day and got a “desire chip.” The next day I woke up without craving a drink for the first time in eight years. I’ve been sober now for 11 years. It is God’s grace that has brought me through. Actually three things have made all the difference in my life: God, my willingness to ask people for help and my willingness to help others.

Today, my life is full of joy and the wonderful grace of God. God has healed our whole family. My daughters’ lives are full of grace and joy, too. And that’s something I’m incredibly thankful for. —Brenda

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A Re-Created Life

I'm not one of those people who came kicking and fighting into recovery. I needed it, and I knew I needed it.

I took my first drink and smoked my first marijuana cigarette when I was 12 years old. My Dad ran a cleaning service, and when I was 14, I helped him. Every Tuesday and Thursday we cleaned a law office that had a bar, so twice a week, I drank Chivas Regal or Jack Daniel’s. In high school, I used all kinds of drugs like Quaaludes and psychedelics. After high school until I was 21, I did a lot of binge drinking, but I was clean and sober for seven years when I was involved in missionary work. But when I was 31, I started drinking again, and I started using crack cocaine. That’s when the real problems began.

For nine years, I was addicted to alcohol and cocaine, and my life was a wreck. I tried to quit a number of times, and I tried a geographic change to help me quit. I moved to Mexico and gave up cocaine. I still drank and smoked marijuana, but for the time I lived there, I was off cocaine. I thought that that time off cocaine would completely cure me of any desire for it, but when I got back in town two years later, I started using it again only five days later.

Every part of my life was messed up. I had two sons, and they occasionally lived with me. I remember my oldest son being embarrassed to be seen with me. He would pass me on the street with his friends but he wouldn’t even speak to me. One day when this happened, I had a pocketful of cocaine, and I realized at that point that something had to change.

The bottom came for me when I was finally evicted from my apartment. I lost my car, my home and my sons. I looked in the mirror that day, and I couldn’t look myself in the eyes. I had wasted all of my potential and all my opportunities, and I had disappointed my parents and my sons. I felt totally embarrassed. I was destitute financially, relationally and spiritually. I was spiritually bankrupt with no connection to God. I wasn’t angry with God. I just couldn’t relate to him because I was too embarrassed to even ask for help. I only prayed when I was in a drunken stupor and needed his help to get over the pain. I prayed, “Oh God, please get me out of this!” But when the pain stopped, I forgot about him again. My moment of clarity came the day my landlord told me he was finally kicking me out. He changed the locks, but he let me go in and get my stuff. That day, I took my car to a coke dealer and used it as collateral to get some drugs I could sell and make enough money to pay my rent. I sold some of the cocaine, but I used most of it myself. I didn’t make enough money to get my car back, so I lost my apartment.

My sister had a friend who saw me and could tell I was in trouble. He knew my family, and he knew how I had messed up my life. He told me, “I’m going to get you some help.” The next day, he took me to a treatment center. I went too late that day, but they told me to come back the next morning. That night, I drank the last of my alcohol and smoked the last of the crack I had. The next morning, I showed up at the treatment center for detox and a month of treatment.

Early in treatment, they suggested that I pray to God for help. For the first time in my life, I started a personal relationship with God. The first few days of detox and treatment were hard, but I was convinced that I needed help, so I stayed.

I’ve been clean now for five years, and I have a new life. I have a wonderful wife, terrific children, and a great job. My sons are back in my life. I’m sponsoring some people in Cocaine Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous so I can help others who struggle with addictions. My life hasn’t just been turned around; it’s been recreated. I never had this good of a life before!

I tell the people I sponsor, “If you’re sick and tired of your life, but you’re afraid of change, ask God for an open mind to listen to people who care about you and want to help you.” —Allen

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