Out of Baby Shoes

I came into recovery with an addiction to cocaine, but I quickly realized that I also had a problem with alcohol. If I stopped cocaine but kept drinking, I’d eventually go back to cocaine. I knew I had to stop using mindaltering substances altogether.

Five years into the program, my life hit bottom when the man I was seeing left me. I was devastated. As I talked to my sponsor, I saw a clear pattern in my life: I had to be in a relationship with a man to feel good about myself. That, I learned, is codependence. Without a man, I had no idea who I was. I felt lost, with very poor self-esteem. I was addicted to men. It wasn’t the sex—it was that they met my needs and made me feel alive. Without them, I was unstable, but with them, I felt confident. When these relationships changed or ended, I fell apart.

One of the most important things I realized in recovery was that my thinking controlled my behavior. When I believed I wasn’t good enough, I would cling to men so they could make me feel good about myself. Actually, it was harder for me to recover from codependence than from my cocaine addiction because my need to be connected to men was

at the core of my soul. It defined me. Without relationships with men, I felt insignificant, insecure and lost. I couldn’t stand feeling that way, so I quickly looked for another man to fill the hole in my heart. Men, you could say, were my drug of choice.

Recovery has been a wonderful process of learning to recognize my God-given self-worth. I’ve learned to accept his love for me, and his love has made me more secure. I’ve learned so much by going to women’s support groups and codependence groups. Just sharing my story with people who understand has meant a lot to me and helped me grow. Many women struggle with the same problem of not feeling whole if they don’t have a man. My goal is to be OK in or out of a relationship with a man.

I stayed out of relationships with men for about two years, and then my sponsor suggested that I test myself by dating again. She told me, “You’ll never know how far you’ve come until you’re in a relationship again.” I waited a while, but eventually I started dating a guy. I realized that I’d made progress, and old, bad habits had changed. Change felt good. Once you’re out of your baby shoes, they don’t fit any more.

Today, I have a wonderful relationship with God and with people who are following him. I know that if God brings a man into my life, it’s only to enhance my life, not consume it. And I know that if a man leaves me, I may be hurt, but I won’t be devastated again. That’s real progress. —Margo

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